Another story that I love to tell takes me back to a class in my MBA studies at The University of Michigan. My major was finance, but as in all curricula there were ‘core’ courses that everyone has to take and this one was Organizational Design and Human Resources Management. On this particular day we were involved in a role play. Four people in a group. Two observers. One supervisor and one subordinate. The supervisor had just received a complaint from a customer about the subordinate (an outside sales representative) and had to deliver the news and develop an action plan. I was the supervisor in our group. After the ‘plays’ the entire class reassembled and discussed the results – led by the observers.
One of the observers in our group got up and said he didn’t like the way the supervisor in our play asked unrelated questions at the start of the meeting ‘how are you?’, etc. He said the off topic questions were off topic and seemed underhanded. My hand shot up so fast I almost dislocated my shoulder. The instructor picked me and I related a story about why this lead in was a concious strategy.
I had a manager of a supplier that I dealt with on a day to day basis. As with many manufacturing facilities, each day presents its unique ‘pile’ of challenges. Some larger and deeper than others. If he was having a good day, I could take a direct method and we could get right to the problem. If he was having a bad day, throwing another one at him in a direct method would only insure it hit the side of the stack and bounced off. I explained that is why such questions are vital. It didn’t matter I was dealing with a subordinate.
Listening first always gets peoples attention. Listening leads to understanding and the foundation of every good connection and relationship. The person in my group who commented was headed to be a poor salesperson. I hope they found some help along the way. Not from our instructor. The look on his face as I was explaining it was like deer looking into you know what. Big school research, statistics and all that and too far removed from real interpersonal skill development.
Who hasn’t met that person who has the answer to all your problems, but they never let you talk enough to tell them your problem? They are talking up a blue streak down one path when you are trying to go another. Its the foundation of almost every misunderstanding I can remember. Somebody talked too much. Thought too much about where they were and wanted to go an not enough about where the person or people they were talking to were and wanted to go. It’s how you make deals, win negotions, followers and almost anything else you want. You learn by listening, not by talking.
My father in law has a great saying that sums it up “You can sit there and look the fool, or speak and remove all doubt”. Another favorite is “God gave us two ears an one mouth in an intentional symbolic relationship of how much they should be used”. Listen first. Talk second. Good advice.
My wife and I rang in the new year very quietly. We went to a party with some friends, but left early and came home well before midnight and watched a movie. It’s the first time in our lives we didn’t tune into one of the live watch-the-ball-drop shows, pop champagne and toast and smooch as we ring in the new year. Now that we live on the left coast, it’s not the same as when we were back in Detroit which celebrated new year in the same time zone as the big apple. We feel torn between celebrating when the country enters the year with New York as the lead, or hanging on until midnight strikes out here three years later. I think this year we just gave up. My wife looked up during the movie we were watching, the clock was three minutes past new year and we paused to say thanks for the last year and decade and made our wish for the new year.
I’m not one that puts a lot of thought or effort into new year resolutions. Tomorrow is promised to no one much less another year. I reflect on the last day and the one coming up. The last week and the one coming up. It’s what you do if you are type A like me. If I need to make a change, I don’t wait for the new year to start, I just get on with it. The passing of one year into the next is still a good time to reflect on what has past. To give thanks for our blessings. To review recent life lessons and use those to help us face whatever the future has in store for us. Life teaches us lessons every day. Some we learn easily and move on. Others we either miss completely. Some come back to us for a reminder.
I finished the year by playing golf. Twice in the last two days in fact. I’m an above average golfer. My index hovers around 10. I can break 80, or I can blow through 90 like I did yesterday. With five holes to go, I needed to shoot par to shoot 90 even. I shot one under (and then noted I added wrong). The lesson came on the last approach shot. I had hooked my drive left, luckily not in a nearby trap, but behind a tree that would impede a direct path to the hole and the green. I needed to carve a hook shot with a utility club around that tree (from an uphill lie I might add) to get anywhere near that green about 200 yards away. Now I’ve been to the range once in the last two months. I haven’t played twice in the same week since summer and most of my golf since fall has been par 3 where I take nothing higher than my seven iron. I had no earthy reason to expect anything near success in executing a shot like that. I did it! I wound up 10 yards beyond the hole and off the green, but it was right behind the flag and I chipped to inside a foot for a gimmie par.
All I remember is standing over that approach there was nothing in my mind other than a picture of the shot I needed to hit. Nothing else. One shot illustrates what I love about golf. Nothing compares to watching a well struck shot soar through the air to its intended target. More importantly, in my humble opinion, no other game, no other pastime, no other activity teaches you the importance of focus more than golf. As you walk or ride between shots there is ample quiet time and the choice of how you use it is the foundation of the outcome. You can wallow in doubt. You can think about the improbability of what you are trying to accomplish. The micro faults in fraction of degrees that can lead to disaster. The blades of grass or spike marks that can cause the ball to veer away. Alternatively you can picture your intention clearly with absolute focus and resolve. The lesson isn’t that focus is guarantee of success, but that doubt is an absolute predictor of failure.
Now that doesn’t mean than someone who has never hit a golf ball can picture it in their mind and make it come about. The ability has to be in there somewhere. It isn’t that much different with life. Picturing myself in the leading role for a box office smash hit movie is not a realistic goal. Something between here and there is more like it. What you picture in your mind, if its right for you, you will bring about. Your mind doesn’t know if you are seeing is what you fear or what you want. If a picture of doubt crosses your mind – step away and collect yourself. Focusing on the negative only hastens its arrival. Focus on the positive outcome.
I finished last year with that lesson. One I’ve been shown many times and probably will again. I offer it to you with the best wishes for a new year and decade that brings peace and prosperity for us all.
